Unleashed: The True Story of a Recovering Serial Monogamist


What Are YOU Thankful For?

 

[**I apologize ahead of time for the randomness of this article… ADD struck hard!]

 

Part I. Douchebaggery: Sturm und drang!!

 

In choosing between an Irishman and a German… I don’t even have to think twice about that one (German accents are a little disturbing and I tend to have great luck o’ the Irish). Tonight I was hit on by a gay guy, went from being so hot that I MIGHT have made a gay guy hard, to Gay Guy asking Blarney whether he had a boner, to “dating” Traveler for 9.5 years though we broke up four times because he wouldn’t marry me. And as further proof the gods hate me, I had my monthly visit from Aunt Flo FIVE days early, which explains my crankiness and f*&%s up all plans for pleasure. Oh yea, and to top it all off, I was hit on by a married Orthodox guy from Toronto…

 

Wait. Stop. I have been venting free-form and not making any sense at all… And I have gotten way ahead of myself.

 

Here’s what’s actually relevant.

 

In past columns, I have briefly mentioned the Girl Code (which is slightly similar to the Guy Code, a.k.a. Rules of Engagement). Yes, that Code (which the Good Girls live by and the bitches f*&% up for the rest of us) is there for a reason and we are bound by them most of the time. I say “most of the time” because there are exceptions to every rule. And while I abide by them, that doesn’t necessarily mean that I always like them.

 

The other night I hung out with Kay and we ran into a friend of hers, Traveler, and his trusty sidekick Blarney. We ended up all hanging out for the evening and had a great time. At the time, I hadn’t put two and two together, but once I did (at the end of the night) I got a little bummed.

 

Lemme ‘splain… No, there’s no time. Lemme sum up:

Blarney and I hit it off and he’s charming (red flag) but I hadn’t realized who he was. Who was he? My good friend’s ex; “The Ex” for her – the one who upset her. “The Ex” we commiserated about together at a hockey game (where I had been bitching about Asshole and then, of course, ran into said Asshole). Yeaaa… I didn’t realize this was THE EX, Blarney (every girl has one).

 

The next morning, she called me twice. I couldn’t actually answer because I was helping prepare food for our family’s brunch, so I promised to return the call after lunch. This also didn’t happen due to unforeseen circumstances, and I promptly delayed calling her over the weekend. I really wasn’t sure what to expect, and honestly, I was a little nervous. I hate breaking the Girl Code, even if it’s unintentional. I feel bad… so I did what I’m great at: procrastination and avoidance!

 

In my pre-phone call preparatory research, I contacted Blarney. He informed me that my friend had specifically requested that he not date me (though I wasn’t supposed to know that). So the question is, how much of a limit was she going to request of me? Obviously she didn’t want us to date. Would she be okay with us being friends? Could we be friends… Did I even want to be friends with him? I had no idea. I really don’t know the guy that well, other than the evening we hung out and the negative things I heard from my friend. We’ll see. In the meantime, Blarney and I continued to chat.

 

[On an unrelated note, The Anointed One and I went to our local cider mill today and hung out enjoying the smell of the cinnamon doughnuts and the caramel apples. As we snuggled and chatted, he told me that he couldn’t go a week without seeing me in person. Why? Because one of my modeling photos is his cell phone wallpaper, which he sees daily, and as more physical torture, to unlock it he has to run his finger over where my body just was… Not sure if he’s getting too attached – this is something I might need to address].

 

Part II. Douchebaggery: Virgin Alert!

 

I really need to trust my Girl Code a little more. I finally spoke to my girlfriend this past weekend and she was really upset. It’s a darned good thing Blarney and I didn’t do more than kiss; it ended up that he absolutely WAS “The Ex” I had figured out. Oh boy. Was she upset.

 

Here’s the clincher (though he denies it): He knew who I was in relation to her, so he knew, or should have known that, he should not have been kissing me in the first place. What a douche.

 

There are rules; he knew them, and he went ahead anyway (flag on the play)! I was honest with my friend; I told her he and I had kissed but that it was only before I discovered his identity. So fortunately, I’m off the hook, but I remain a little annoyed, disappointed, and feel bad. She tried to get in touch with him tonight (they still chat occasionally) but was unsuccessful. The kicker: He is “sorta” dating someone. A young girl. A virgin. I can see that one ending very well. Snort.

 

Sheesh. Douchebaggery running amok (in addition to all the other crap that was thrown at me that night, which will eventually be a footnote in my Journey; see paragraph #1).

 

Thank goodness for the Girl Code.

 

Amalie Paris

 

**Feel free to leave comments and questions for me on Twitter or here (@AmalieParis)!


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