Unleashed: The True Story of a Recovering Serial Monogamist – Ex Trouble


Uh oh… Ex Trouble

 

I’ve been enjoying my selection of men, but I still have to squeeze them in around my work schedule, and every so often, my “real life” pokes its naughty, annoying little head in. Speaking of work, today was a long day… I went from meeting to meeting, literally. I survived four back-to-back meetings, and most of them didn’t really do anything but wear me out physically. Number 3, however, was a different story. It threw me for a loop, emotionally and mentally. My usually stable self has been derailed.

 

Have you ever run into a guy from your past and you simply didn’t know what to do with it (your feelings, not the guy… ok, I lied: your feelings AND the guy)? Where as emotionally stable as you know you have become, that one individual pops in and threatens to ruin all the progress that you’ve made? I’m not the same person I used to be, but sometimes the past just sneaks up from behind and threatens to drag you, by the hair, back to what you were, and who you no longer want to be.

 

The big deal was that it was with Magician, my ex-boyfriend who I had dated for over five years before breaking up with him due to his disappearing act (among other things). He’s actually the only ex I still talk to (granted, it took a couple years to get to that point). In addition to having a connection with him, I had also gotten along great with his friends and parents, who still, to this date, speak to me and think I’m great. With that background in place, I granted this meeting because I had agreed to write him a recommendation letter as an attorney, and he informed me he was bringing his father along so we could catch up as well (I think his dad was also brought as a buffer… he’s not stupid, nor am I). Notably, this was the first time I had seen Magician in years.

 

Even now, we get along pretty well over the phone, despite all the verbal barbs I throw at him – which he quietly accepts. It was for that reason I didn’t realize how angry I still was with him until I sat down at that little table in the little coffee shop.

 

The question was, okay, yea, he had dicked me around, but I had eventually gotten to the point where I knew and accepted that he wasn’t the right guy for me … So WHY was I still so angry with him?

 

I found myself staring at the paper he wanted me to fill out, the paper that I had agreed to complete, and the pen would not move. It was almost impossible for me to write a description, be truthful, and be KIND. It was like pulling teeth. I bored holes through that document for what seemed an eternity until I made a decision.

 

I may have a problem with Magician, and I may doubt certain things about him, but I never had any issues with his truthfulness and dedication to me and to his craft. Thus. I wrote it.

 

In order to be honest with myself but kind to him, I focused on what I believed he was capable of accomplishing professionally… and not what I knew him to be currently. As I wrote this (very eloquently, I might add), I told him we needed to talk. Straight, no holds barred. See, I had broken up with him over two years ago and we never spoke about it. I never asked him what had happened, why he just disappeared, how he could do that to a friend – much less a long-term girlfriend.

 

Maybe that’s why I am still angry. There was never any answer, never any apology.

 

I’m an entirely different person now than I was a couple years ago. I’ve been through a great deal professionally and personally and have grown from it. I know you get what you demand but hell, right now I have very conflicting feelings. We always got along pretty well, we dated for years, we had great sex, and even with all these positives, I’m furious.

 

We chatted briefly… He has a girlfriend (much younger) who he wasn’t dating seriously, but it “worked for him right now” (man-speak translation: he’s enjoying the sex).  He knows I don’t have a boyfriend, haven’t had one for six months, and don’t want one. So I’m angry, and yet I miss him. This is f*&%ed up, but at least I can admit that to myself.

 

How did this all end? Not simply. Because his dad had been present, we didn’t get to cover much personal ground. I informed Magician we needed to talk; he agreed – said we’d talk over dinner but it had to be a couple weeks out. Also, we were flirting with each other, pushing the envelope, and dancing around each other’s words… When I put serious thought into it, and admit the Truth (which I’m big on), I think that is likely the answer to the question: I’m still angry with him because I still have feelings for him.

 

But there’s a difference this time around. This time, I’m in control and I refuse to relinquish it.

 

Either way, I would like to sit down and talk to him but honestly, since he was always the one disappearing, I’m going to demand that he be the one to call. There’s no way in hell I am.

 

Amalie Paris

 

**Continue the conversation with me on Twitter! @AmalieParis (or find me on Facebook)… Enjoy your week!


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